Thursday, April 28, 2005

Next on American Chopper, it's a real "hail mary" when Paulie and the boys start work on a bike to commemorate the annunciation of Pope Benedict XVI!

[Paul Jr on screen]

[Paul JR] - "Probbly the toughest thing about doin' the Pope Bike was figurin' out how to attach the bullet-proof plastic bubble. I knew goin' into it that gettin' that thing to stay in place, and still allow enough clearance for the back tire was goin' to be a challenge"

[cut to shop]

[Paul Sr] - "Hey Mikey, what the hell are you doin' just standin' around over there? You was supposed to get that font off the truck so's Paulie can get it on the back behind the seat there!"

[Paul Jr] - "I don' care about the font right now, I need to deal with this bubble, I can't get it to -"

[Paul Sr] - "I don' wanna hear no more crap outta you! If I want anymore crap outta you, I'll squeeze your head! Just get the f[beep]in Pope bike done!

[Paul Jr] - "We're workin' on it, Dad, we'd get -"

[Paul Sr] - "I don' wanna hear it, Paulie! This has to get -"

[Paul Jr] - "we'd- we'd be gettin' it done a lot faster if you'd just shut up about it -"

[Paul Sr] - "This has to get to the Vatican in two weeks so the Pope can ride up to the dais on it to say mass."

[Paul Jr] - "I know, I know it does, and it'll get done, but you just -"

[Paul Sr] - "All's I'm sayin' is that if the Pope's ass ain't in that seat in two weeks, it'll be YOUR ass, Paulie."

[Mikey] - "Aw, crap!"

[Paul Sr] - "Oh, terrific, Mikey just broke the font. Now there's one more thing I gotta ride your ass about, Paulie."

[cut to Paul Jr]

[Paul Jr] - "Well, we ended up scrappin' the bubble idea. After we brazed it to the tank, we realized the exhaust was going to fill the chamber and probbly asphixiate the pope, so we cut it. But after all we went through with that, the scenter-styled handlebar grips, the Holy Water font on the back of the bike, and the pope-hat-styled headlight, the worst was yet to come."

[cut to shop]

[Vinnie] - "Hey, Paulie, we got a problem with this gold leaf over here."

[voiceover; Paul Jr] - "The gold leaf we had Nubbie put on there wasn't stickin' to the powder coat. It was comin' up where it bordered with the chrome, and that just wasn't gonna fly. With just a couple days left to get this bike done for the mass, we had to send it back out to Nub's."

[cut to Paul Jr on Phone] - "Hey, Nubs...Yeah, what's up?...Hey listen, this gold leaf you did for us ain't workin' out...naw, it's comin' up where it meets the, I know man...I know gold leaf isn't somethin' you usually work, I know man...yeah...okay."

[Paul Jr] - "He says he can get it done by Tuesday"

[Paul Sr] - "Tuesday? That's not gonna be soon enough Paulie."

[Paul Jr] - "I know, it's - it's -"

[Paul Sr] - "That bike needs to be ready to ship tomorrow, Paulie. You don't P[beep]s off the Holy See, Paulie."

[Paul Jr] - "Nubbie says he can - well, maybe if we was to - "

[Paul Sr] - "No excuses, Paulie! You think they called Cardinal Ratzinger 'God's Rottweiller' for nuttin'!?"

[Paul Jr] - "Look, Nubbie - "

[Paul Sr] - "I don't care what Nubs is doin', I said it was gonna be your ass, now it's your ass! That's it, I'm done. I'm done. It's your problem - "

[Paul Jr] - "I know it's my problem, I - "

[Paul Sr] - "It - It's your problem, you take care of it."

[Paul Jr] - "I - Iam takin' care of it. It's taken care of."

[Paul Sr] - "Yeah, it better be. It better be..."

[Mikey] - "Aw, Crap!"

[Paul Sr] - "Aw. fantastic! Mikey just spilled the holy water down the manifold!! Paulie, I swear, this is the last time..."

[cut to the Vatican]

[Voice-over; Paul Jr] - "After all we went through, it was worth it, 'cause I could tell the pope really liked the bike."

[Pope Benedict XVI] - "Ah, Grazi, bellisimo!!" [sprinkes the bike seat with holy water, crosses it]

[voice-over; Paul Jr] - "I know the pope was happy, and I think when the 1.6 billion or whatever catholics in the world see him ride up on this thing, they're gonna know they're dealin' with a pope who's the real deal. He's gonna save a lotta souls on this bike."

[Fade out on Pope Benedict XVI riding off into the sunset on the bike, his robes furling out behind him. Just before the scene fades, his hat comes off in the wind.]